Laws of the past and present

Law 32
Gypsies in a Field

"These pikies just rolled onto my field in those caravans of theirs and camped out," says Marleen Anderson, the enraged farmer. "And when I tries to run 'em over with my tractor, it's me who gets stuck in the cells overnight! I've tried getting the government to evict them but they take too long over it. How would these people have reacted if I'd set up a tent in their back garden? There should be a law so I can get rid of them any way I choose. Gypsies should not be allowed to go wherever they like. It's just not fair to landowners."

"All we wanted was a place to stay the night," says Ivan Longfellow, a traveller and parent of fourteen children. "Or maybe for a week or so. Or a month. Perhaps through winter; it's pretty mild around here, I don't know. But is that such a crime? We weren't stealing anything, or harming anyone. All we ask is to be allowed to continue our travels without harassment."

"I don't think that's a good idea," says Ryan Bronte, one of your advisors who happens to own an extensive greenfield site. "We can't just let people go living wherever they like just because they've been doing it for hundreds of years. It's very untidy! What I suggest is that we dip into the coffers and buy plots of land, all over the country, and turn them into nice safe areas where these folks can stay for as long as they want for a weekly rent before they decide to move on. See? Problem solved."

"I have the best solution," says Matilda Laine, in response to a street survey. "These gypsies should be chucked in jail, their caravans sold for scrap, and, and... told not to do it again! I think we've all had enough with the government pussy-footing their way around these criminals! The way they just swan in and disrupt communities any way they please! And think of what their presence would do to the value of my property! People ought to live in bricks and mortar, not tins on wheels!"

Law 34
Sergeant are too nasty, say new recruits

"It's atrocious!" wails Private Roxanne Barnes, from amidst the cacophony of a parade cadence. "We're forced to sleep in crowded barracks, on hard cots, and do the most inhumane exercises when we wake up! Just today I've had to crawl through a muddy minefield, climb a grease-coated wall, and to top it all off, get mangled by an angry drill sergeant! All we want is a little respect from the officers - maybe to sleep in until noon, and not have to get all sweaty and tired doing stupid things like marching and climbing ropes. Oh, and private bedrooms too - we're risking our lives for the country, after all."

"THEY WANT WHAT?!" screams Sgt. Burkz, while pressing back a rising vein on her neck. "This is WAR, not DAYCARE! If anything, the training standards should be tougher! If I want to whip some pasty-faced, beer-gutted greenhorn because he can't climb over a razor-wire fence then I should be given the permission to do so right away! The cry-babies won't like it, but they can run home back to their rich daddies if that's the way they're having it. War isn't a walk in the park, and training shouldn't be either. For all our sakes."

"Training, what a load of old hooey," says renowned spendophobe and radio announcer, Tobias McGuffin. "The only thing it teaches our soldiers is how to shine boots and fight plastic dummies. We'd be better off if we just dropped them into the fight so they could learn to shoot for themselves. There might be a few accidents, but it'll be worth it for all the Galens we'll save."

"There is another way, you know..." whispers Fanny Nagasawa, the Chief of Secret Projects and Shiny Things in Parafrone's military research department. "What if we started taking children and raising them from birth to fight? We'd be able to make them completely immune to propaganda, psychological warfare, and demoralisation. Not only would that stop the crying new recruits, it'd also give us a powerful military edge. People may not like giving up their kids, but that's why we run the country. We know better."

Law 36
A right to not work

"It's written in our sacred texts that our Creator took the seventh day for rest, and so should we!" says Gretel Falopian, a devout follower of a major religion. "To work on the Sabbath is an insult to our Creator, and I think the last thing Parafrone needs is eternal damnation. Shut down all retail stores for the Sabbath! Besides, who wants to work then anyway?"

"I'm afraid that's not going far enough," adds Anne-Marie Yeats, a high-ranking official in the Synod of Zealous Religious Fanatics. "This shouldn't apply to just retail stores. Everything must be shut down! Hospitals, government agencies, police, and other emergency services. Sure, it'll be dangerous and likely cause some death, but saving our souls from eternal damnation should be our priority. Parafrone must do all it can to appease the almighty Creator."

"You're not really going to listen to what these nutjobs are proposing, are you?" asks Billy Nguyen, your atheist economic adviser. "Think about the damage this would cause to the economy. Isn't that more important than appeasing a few nuts? If anything, we should be requiring that all retail stores remain open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Just think of all that unlimited shopping time!"

Slacker blogger Maria Ruff, still in pajamas and eating a pizza slice on a ratty couch, sends you a video chat invitation. "Dude, why not just give everybody shorter work weeks? Make flex time, telecommuting, and 35-hour work weeks mandatory for all us working folk. Trust me, the people will love you for it man!"

Law 38
Welfare Programs not fairing well

"The process ought to be made easier," says Inga Matthews, picking the grime out of her dirty fingernails. "It's so difficult convincing welfare administrators that I am actually a poor, helpless vagrant on the brink of homelessness! When you finally do, you get tangled up in all the red tape, and you're lucky to see a dime. The government should just trust my word and fork over the Galens I need to survive."

"The current system is not very efficient, I'll admit," says Max Steele, a local welfare administrator and esteemed bureaucrat. "But we can't trust these bums to manage their welfare aid. How are we supposed to help them help themselves if they waste their benefits on things like trashy clothes and cheap alcohol? We need more authority over how the aid is spent, it's the only way we can be assured that it is used responsibly."

"Get the free-loaders off the government teat!" shouts conservative activist, Kathleen Cho. "The free-market system says that those who work hard will succeed. If these so-called 'needy people' would roll their sleeves up, lift a finger, and earn an honest living, we wouldn't be bankrupting our country helping them! The only sensible solution is to abolish all welfare programs, and let the natural, capitalist process take place."

"He has a point," says popular political pundit Mohammed Leach. "There are a lot of people in the system, and some of them don't really need to be there. The government should be finding these people jobs, so that our welfare system can survive and meet the needs of the truly impoverished. Of course, we're going to have to spend a few Galens to achieve this goal. But, what's a little tax hike if it means saving our dying welfare programs and the people who depend on them?"

"Capitalism is the very reason why we need welfare in the first place. Laissez-faire policies would only make the problem worse," argues political activist Colleen Summers. "If the government would ensure that all employers pay their employees the amount they need to live - no more, no less - then the problem of providing for the poor would disappear."

Law 40
Alien Invaders

"The ecosystem is in great peril," claims Chris Peters, an importer of exotic pets. "These Woodeating Spikeballs have no natural predators here. But there is a solution: back in their native Maxtopia, these pests are kept in check by the Sabre-toothed Afghan hound. We have to introduce these animals into our forests before it's too late. And you know, since I'm such a nice guy, I'll cut you a deal on the Afghan hounds."

"You can't stop one invasive species by introducing another," scoffs avid hunter Lucas Thiesen while skinning several rabbits on your desk. "Just give out hunting permits for these Spikeballs, and we'll have the population under control in no time. You know what, might as well extend hunting and fishing seasons for other animals too. I've been itching to bag myself a Giant Lilliputian Rabbit."

"We shouldn't be left at the mercy of our citizens," counsels gendarme Bill Longbottom while barely suppressing his hatred for animals. "If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself. Let's send out our boys in blue to go hunt down these vermin." Frothing rabidly, he finishes, "That way we can be sure every last one of those mangy, stinking, filth-ridden pests is dead!"

"So what if these Spikeballs are eating all the trees?" says thoroughly apathetic citizen Sarah Suzuki. "Nature got along fine for millions of years before we came into the picture. Just let survival of the fittest run its course. Sure, we might lose a few species or ecosystems along the way, but at least we'll save some money. Forests are really boring, anyway."