Laws of the past and present

Law 18

Catholic Archbishop Johann Dodinas: boasts an excellent track record, having rapidly increased church attendances in his constituencies through the "Reaching God Through Guilt" program. Seen as a solid choice.

New Age thinker Ryan Harishchandra: a left-field candidate with some radical ideas. "For me, it's not about the name of your religion. It's about discovering your spirituality in whatever guise that takes. Some people call that a cult: I call it taking spirituality to the people."

Finally, there's Matilda Janssen. "If I am awarded the appointment, I will immediately resign," the ex-schoolteacher has declared. "Because, frankly, God is a big load of hokey. I'll be doing everyone a favor by just shutting up about it."

Law 20
Compulsory Organ Harvesting Prposed

"It's not as crazy as it sounds," says Dr. Daniel Licorish. "Every day, people die because we don't have the organs to save them. Well, that and widespread under-funding of the health system. But the point is, if the government allowed us to take organs from dead people, we could save hundreds of lives a year. And come on, it's not like dead people need them."

"You keep your damn hands off my organs!" says alarmed hospital patient Jazz Clinton. "They are my organs, and I'll do with them what I like. The government has no right to my body."

Law 22
Cannibals demand to taste what Parafrone has to Offer

"I see absolutely no problem with people digging into each other at dinnertime, so long as everyone is willing," Erica Christensen, the editor of the monthly magazine 'To Serve Man', quips, "Not only does it solve hunger problems and create jobs, but it also adds variety to Parafrone's sometimes dull palate."

Civil rights leader Sean Hound came out publicly for moderate pro-cannibalism legislation, commenting, "While it may strike some as a crude, even evil practice, our ancestors have practiced cannibalism for years. If we create a government organization to strictly regulate and grade all human meat prior to its arrival on the market, we can ensure that respect for diversity is maintained while health concerns are also allayed. And instead of killing average people, why not make being turned into snack foods a post-mortem option? Like donating your body to science!"

"You're all absolutely out of your minds!" exclaims Charles Wu, head of Parafrone's largest health-food manufacturer. "It's immoral, it's unhealthy, and it's disgusting. Not only are these so-called 'dietary rights' activists leading us down a dark path of sin, but right into a marketplace with yet another product that's almost as bad as beef!"

Law 24
We need a Few Good Men who Like, Men?

"There will never be room for gays in our God-fearing service," says Army Chaplain Orel Roze, absent-mindedly fingering the religious device of his office on his lapel. "I mean, uh, think about what it would do to morale. In the military men have to eat, live, and sleep in extremely close quarters and even consensual sexual relationships in the chain of command leads to leadership problems. It's just a natural extension of fraternization rules... and not only that, but our current policy is actually a service to the poor misguided souls, since it prevents any temptation to act on their given perversion... I mean preference."

"God doesn't enter into it," says Air Force Lieutenant Colonel Rochelle Wall, head shaking. "Times are changing, and people are becoming more accepting of homosexuals. We have women in the military, and that surely leads to 'temptation', but for the most part everyone's quite professional about it. Allowing homosexuals to serve openly will increase our recruitment pool and actually simplify things; just look at the Navy: hundreds of horny men in steel boxes in the middle of the ocean for up to six months at a time... there has to be a reason that people volunteer for that, right?"

"This coming from some pampered soul in the Chair Force," scoffs Commander Sue-Ann Sanchez, calling in via satellite from aboard a destroyer. "Inter-service rivalries aside, ever read some of those ancient sagas about cities being besieged? Those ancient cultures had no problem with homosexuality; actually, it strengthened their resolve and spirit because they were literally fighting alongside their lovers, and anyone in the service will tell you it's all about the guy standing next to you. Now, what if--and this is just a hypothetical, mind--based on this and to counter years of discrimination, only homosexuals were allowed to serve?"

"That's... interesting, but it doesn't really address the problem, does it?" asks Lance Corporal Alexei Parke, part of your honor guard. "Let's look at it this way: only ten percent of the population is homosexual, right? No matter what, the majority will be heterosexual. We want homosexuals to serve, but there will always be a backlash against them. No regulation changes are needed if you just pen a policy where sexual orientation becomes a taboo subject in discussion--not like it's anyone's business to talk about their sexual interests in a professional military, right? This way homosexuals can serve, albeit quietly, and be happy, and the moral conservatives stay happy since the military is still 'officially' anti-gay. Of course, if anyone's pulled out of the closet, their career is instantly over, but that's the cost of compromise."

"We still have a military?" questions your Minister of Peace, scratching his unruly hair and smelling none too vaguely of patchouli. "Man, I thought we got rid of those war pigs ages ago. Y'know, if you'd just listen to me and go with flowers instead of firearms, this whole gays-in-the-military thing wouldn't be such a buzzkill all the time. Hey, speaking of buzzes, I just got these mighty strong Bigtopian Blues from a guy I know. I'm on one right now and they are far OUT. You wanna expand your mind with me? No? That's cool too."

Law 26
Carjacking Concerns

Hijacking victim Alexander Pushkin wants the government to take action against the road pirates: "Inner-city crime is nothing compared to the brutality these gangs show! They block the roads with trucks or felled trees and hide on the roadside until some poor unsuspecting motorist pulls up. The government must introduce a special police unit to patrol these isolated areas!"

"More police isn't the answer," retorts Mary Peters, head of research at Parafrone's largest car manufacturer. "This is a job for the private sector! We already have blueprints for cars with bullet-proof armour and mounted machine guns, and, if you'll pass appropriate legislation, we can have these things on sale in weeks. Let the people defend themselves!"

"This just proves how cars are more trouble than they're worth." says Imogen Thiesen, leader of the Transport Workers' Union. "If the government bans cars and pours more money into public transport, everyone will be much safer and happier! Except from people who live outside major cities, of course - but then, that's their choice."

Law 28
Bigtopian Bigwigs Beset Border

Your Minister for Foreign Affairs, George W. Hamilton, echoes the pleas of the international community, "These individuals are responsible for decades of oppression, the genocide of millions of Bigtopians, and horrific war crimes - their leader isn't called 'The Butcher of Bigtopia' for his carving skills! We can't just step aside and neglect our duties to their victims. These men must face justice in Bigtopia, whatever their fate."

"I vehemently disagree," says defence lawyer Alexander Plath, running a comb through his hair and handing you his business card. "Now is not the time for hasty action. Bigtopia is not a stable state yet - send these people back and you're throwing them to the mob. They've committed no crime in Parafrone, and they've come here for our help. Show some decency, and let them stay!"

"I have an idea," interjects Wernher von Grun from the Department of Defence. "Amongst these refugees are several top Bigtopian scientists. They may have carried out some terrible experiments with WMDs, but can we really afford to lose their expertise? Let them join our team at the Hexagon, and we'll develop weapons the envy of Innizalhaelkaoh. After all, once the missiles go up, who cares where they came from?"